Rob Engelsman

On Grievances, 2011 Edition

In 2011, I became a more bitter person. (I don’t have time to explain in detail so just go with me on the premise.) Basically, I’ve got a lot of problems with you people. We’re not talking Jay-Z problems, either. His 99 probably involve how he’s going to diversify his massive portfolio. Mine are legitimate, if not quirky, problems. Shall we begin the airing of grievances?

Jon Stewart: Stop doing interviews that go long and must be watched in their entirety on the internet. It’s annoying. If it’s important enough, you should just get it in the conversation during the first part of the interview instead of spending so much time pandering to guests.

Seal Team Six: You’re making the rest of the men around here look bad. Take a break in 2012 and let us boring people regain some level of respect for ourselves.

NBA: Go back to your petty labor dispute. I liked you more that way.

Louis CK: See Six, Seal Team.

The Black Keys: Lonely Boy has been stuck in my head forever. Don’t get me wrong - I love the track - but this is unacceptable. What? I chose to make it my wake-up alarm tone and that’s probably why it’s always stuck in my head? Touche, Keys of Black. Touche.

Obama: Love the work you’re doing; hate how depressed you seem doing it.

Ron Paul: Get a fucking suit that fits. You’re running for president for Christ sakes, invest in a damn tailor.

Kim Kardashian: Your “marriage” was dumb, you’re a terrible person, and the only redeeming thing about you is your butt. Why are you on TV? Which leads me to…

E! Network: You put the Kardashians on TV. And Seacrest. Unacceptable.

The Today Show: You might put Seacrest on TV more.

Shady 2.0 Cypher: Thanks for ruining all future cyphers during the BET awards. You couldn’t have slacked off just a little bit in the name of future entertainment?

Twitter: New new twitter is like the impending remake of The Three Stooges. Why ruin a good thing? Not to mention that the TweetDeck update removed features instead of enhanced them. Way to piss off your core users.

Facebook: When everyone figures out how much private information Facebook knows, I bet someone will start a Facebook group to complain about it.

College: I thought hanging around an institution of higher education right after graduating would help me stay young. Instead I am consistently reminded how young I am (in the office) and how old I am (everywhere else in town) in rapid succession. Now I’ve committed to staying here a while longer - am I insane? 

Windows: You’re overrated. I don’t have one in my office and I’m doing just fine. Nope, don’t miss the sun at all. And I never walk outside in the completely wrong attire because I didn’t know what the weather was like. And I totally didn’t sign up for a notification service that tells me when the weather changes so I can avoid problems like that. See windows? I’m fine.

Craft beer: I love you, but now hipsters are putting down their PBR cans and picking you up more often. I’m a flannel shirt and skinny jeans away from a problem.

Skinny jeans: I bought a pair of jeans earlier this year and just recently saw that the tag on them claimed they were of the skinny variety. They aren’t really that skinny though, so I guess I bought a pair that didn’t diet as well as the others.

Owner of the bar: You friended me on Facebook. It’s like a daily reminder of my unhealthy relationship with your establishment.

Bartender: I was putting something on my tab the other night and started to say my last name. You stopped me and said, “Oh, I know.” Can’t you at least pretend I’m not there that often? For me?

Magic trick guy outside the bar: We don’t want to see a magic trick at 1 AM. We want pizza and a cab.

The asshole that delayed my flight: Somewhere in some small town far away from Ithaca, a person woke up this morning about an hour late, rushed to the airport and held up their flight. Because of that, my completely unrelated flight is delayed. You suck.

On that note, I’d like to wish everyone a most happy of holidays. It’s been a big year for me, but it’s been a big year for all of you as well so I’ll spare the sappiness. Be sure to check out The Ten Three if you haven’t yet, and also my new blog Fuck Yeah Rob Stands In For Other People In Photos, a collection of photos taken while we prepare shoots for Ithaca College. Let’s make 2012 the year the Mayans always wanted and blow the lid off the sucker.

Enjoy.